This was too good not to repost:
Ben & Jerry’s Presents: Ron Swanson’s All of the Bacon & Eggs You Have
You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of bacon and eggs, but what I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.
(via panicbasket)
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Sure, I admit that to some, we are witnessing a time period that may seem a little strange. A black man is president, a white man is MVP of the NBA Finals and a white RUNNING BACK graces the cover of Madden Football. But those facts, odd and extraordinary as they may be, do not give anyone the right to assume that our society now runs entirely counter to all accepted norms and common decency; that the expectations of civility, shared experience and solidarity with those who have suffered in kind should all be tossed out the window; and, for the millionth time in the past few years, just because somebody puts a microphone in front of somebody’s lips doesn’t obligate said person to open their mouth – even and especially if the microphone is possibly one last stepping-stone back into a once bright but short-lived spotlight.
For those of you who don’t know, here’s a brief overview of this entry’s antagonist: David Tyree literally used his head in making one of the most dramatic, unlikely and memorable catches in recent Super-Bowl history, a catch that turned the tide in one of the NFL’s most shocking upsets of all time as the New York Giants defeated the heavily favored, undefeated New England Patriots.
Unfortunately, Tyree failed to use his head in the past few days, instead opting to blather on about a delicate subject, arguing a point difficult enough to defend in and of itself, but as a member of a minority group, his stance remains utterly and embarrassingly hypocritical and, frankly, despicable.
If you don’t have the foggiest clue what David Tyree has said over the past week or so, please refer to the following hyperlinks: from ESPN here, and yesterday’s even more ridiculous follow-on from USA Today here.
Bottom line: How dare you, David Tyree?
No matter what you may believe as it relates to another human being’s right to marry, based on religion, economic ramifications or “common sense” as Tyree calls it, you need to keep it to yourself, unless you are arguing the other side and trying to usher in long-overdue change to some archaic and indefensible marital laws.
But if you yourself are part of a minority group, a group that has only recently gained long-overdue changes in archaic and indefensible civil rights legislation itself, then HOW DARE YOU publicly question and dishonor another minority group’s effort to effect similar change.
As a black man, you should be ashamed of yourself. Even if these comments were made entirely from a religious point of view – which you admitted they weren’t – you need to understand a few crucial points:
1) The scripture you quote and rely on as your ultimate truth also heavily features slavery throughout;
2) The general populace that supports and bolsters your logic are by and large the very people who once owned slaves themselves in our country, who don’t believe in evolution, and the same Red State Bible-thumpers who elected GWB not once but twice – a president who set the civil rights movement and African Americans in general back decades during his administration;
3) But most importantly, even if you are so convinced that you are right regarding some religious objection to gay marriage that it hurts you inside, you still should keep your friggin’ mouth shut and disconnect your social media accounts because, according to you and the rest of the ignorant homophobes, God will cast final and eternal judgment. You need not judge or act in any way, for a homosexual’s time on earth is minimal compared to an eternity post-damnation.
And god did not “orchestrate” that freak play so that one day, nearly four years later, you would have a podium to regain the spotlight that faded so quickly after you made that catch. Your talent was marginal to begin with, and therefore luck was imperative for you to ever make a play of consequence. Without the talent to maintain a career in the NFL, you needed to focus on you, David Tyree. Not others. You. But looking in the mirror every day became unbearable, didn’t it. Where did the attention go? Why isn’t my mug on magazine covers anymore? Why doesn’t anyone talk about me? And so you needed to go find the attention again, didn’t you? And what better way to secure the limelight than to open fire on another minority group by weighing in on a polarizing argument.
And then you had the audacity to ask the bleeding heart Bible Belt nation to pray for you because you are being targeted on all sides – despite the fact that you opened yourself up for the backlash over and over again by daring rational humans to refute your ridiculous rhetoric.
But your unbelievably moronic arguments and rants didn’t limit themselves to just religious reasoning. No way. You used political arguments too, didn’t you? A choice jewel in your original rant was the following enlightened musing regarding the possibility of gay marriage becoming legal: “What I know will happen if this does come forth is this will be the beginning of our country sliding toward, it is a strong word, but anarchy. The moment we have, if you trace back even to other cultures, other countries, that will be the moment where our society in itself loses its grip with what’s right.”
These wise words, spilling from the lips of a black man, whose ancestors marched and protested and fought for their own liberties, and certainly for his right to earn millions of dollars in the NFL playing a game for a living.
But this is no game David Tyree.
Finally, religious and political reasoning be damned, you went for the trump card, didn’t you? You argued your point on the grounds of “common sense.” And it is in the twisted logic of this unreasoned argument that you truly incited me to write this open letter and air my grievances with you and all the rest of the ass clowns out there who continue to boggle my mind with what can’t be described any other way than as insight into the decline of Western civilization.
“This is what I do know, you can’t teach something that you don’t have,” Tyree said. “So two men will never be able to show a woman how to be a woman. And that’s just simple. That’s just for a lack of better terms, common sense.”
Oh My Fucking God! I can’t believe a 30+ year old man and graduate of Syracuse University could say such a thing. Frankly, I can’t believe a learning disabled 4 year old could say such a thing. But you did, didn’t you, David Tyree? You played the common sense card.
Fact: According to the U.S. Census, from the perspective of children’s living arrangements, over 50 percent of African American children lived in mother-only households in 2004, again the highest of all racial groups. Even today, more African American children are raised without a father or father figure than any other ethnicity in America.
So again, David Tyree, an African American yourself, HOW DARE YOU?!
Homosexual men have mothers and sisters, and we all know they have female friends. So while your concerns are noted, they are pointless.
You battled alcoholism and crack addiction throughout your adolescence. In 2004 you were arrested for possession of marijuana with the intent to distribute. And when you were released from prison you discovered your girlfriend was pregnant with your second child. She presented you with an ultimatum, and you “found god” in an effort to turn your life around. A noble act indeed – I fully support your decision.
But your newfound spirituality was YOUR ticket back to the path of the righteous. It has nothing to do with anyone else. YOU made mistakes. YOU jeopardized your own life and the lives of those close to you. It is YOUR own actions that precipitated and necessitated a spiritual change. Why are you concerned with the actions of anyone else as long as said actions cause nobody any physical harm? What are you worried about? Are you homosexual yourself and simply expressing your disgust and confusion regarding your own feelings by lashing out?
Once upon a time, you used your head to make a great catch David Tyree. Luck was certainly involved, but there is no doubt you made the catch that changed the game.
Now please, I beg of you, and all those who vocally and publicly agree with you, use your head again and keep your mouth shut.
We would all prefer to remember you, David Tyree, as the man who made the spectacular catch to help the Giants win Super Bowl XLII, and not the man who used his fading celebrity to endorse a cause that is wrong on every possible level, and even more so by a man of your color.
Regards,
IDROS
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Happy Flag Day Everyone. Here are some of the greatest flags (and images of flags), IMO, of course:
Betsy Ross presenting her masterpiece to George, Thomas and Benjamin
Planting Old Glory on Iwo Jima
One Love for Jamaica’s flag, mon…especially this one (RIP RNM)
Hatikva – the beautiful Israeli flag, simple two-tone majesty, symbolizing strength against all odds. The photos above seem to capture the tortured history of the people the flag represents, enduring and longing for peace.
Ah, the Stratego Flag, how thou distracted me from anything productive at times throughout my youth
At least the outdoor version of Capture the Flag allowed us to commune with nature while frittering away the hours
And then there are the Freak Flags, ushered in by the freewheeling, revolutionary hippies of the 1960s – Even Neil almost cut his once upon a time…
Not sure Betsy Ross had this in mind back in the day….but I’m also not sure she didn’t
The post-911 patriotism across the USA evoked Francis Scott Key’s mindset when he penned his opus – chilling to say the least
But for my money, there are few images more powerful than Old Glory being hoisted above all other flags to symbolize victory in the Olympic games, which is accompanied by our national anthem as the winning and losing athlete(s) stand at attention and marvel at the moment. The above shot of the medal ceremony in Lake Placid, NY in 1980, after the USA Hockey team shocked the USSR (and the world), may be the single greatest awe-inspiring moment featuring the American flag to occur in my lifetime.
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Every now and then I will offer a list of five policies, trends, inventions, phenomena or general ways of the world that require anything from a slight tweak to a major overhaul. It will be my version of Peter Griffin’s “You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?” segment. I will not rank them. Some will be more serious than others. For some I will offer my own recommendation for how to fix the problem, or at least how to begin the process. For others, I will just shake my head and pray. Feel free to comment, or add your own ideas to the discussion.
So here are my first five for fixing, in no particular order:
Driving in the left lane of a multi-lane road or highway needs to be policed. For crying out loud, left-lane protocol needs to be required learning to gain a license to operate a vehicle in this country. But more importantly, tickets need to be given to drivers that fail to adhere to it – and driver’s education courses should be required to be retaken if one receives a second citation for left-lane negligence. The left lane of any road is for passing, and for making a left turn if necessary – period. If there are three or more lanes, the policy still holds true, and any driver in the left-most lane that is not passing cars to their right (or gaining on them rapidly to imminently pass) must move over one lane to the right. I know cops already need more money than they collect from speeding and other traffic violations, as is evidenced by the ridiculous parking ticket policies of most urban and even suburban communities, but imagine the increase of police revenues if this policy were to be enforced. And it really needs to be. 
The party system in American (and presumably global) politics needs to be eliminated. I find it incredibly hypocritical when people criticize the BCS in college football but fail to recognize that it was basically created using the same philosophy that perpetuates Big Elephant and Donkey – our capitalist country (like the BCS) will continually screw the little guy, the average voter, the unaffiliated, and the voiceless in order to feed the big, well-oiled machine that pays its bills, and is willing to overlook corruption, cheating, graft, disparities, and the general undercurrent of “the rich get richer at the expense of the poor,” creating a situation where the only true winners are those well-heeled few with enough resources to influence, control and perpetuate the parties themselves.
I have no problem with capitalism, but I have a huge problem with a two-party system founded on archaic principles, backed by ridiculous extremists and so firmly entrenched in our political landscape that it is virtually impossible for a candidate who subscribes to intelligent policies and platforms inherent to both schools, or even ideas outside the scope of either school to gain the requisite backing and political foothold to win a meaningful American election.
In college football, the BCS system creates a scenario where teams that do not play for the “rich, powerful” BCS conferences that run the system similarly have the odds stacked firmly against them, and therefore, the 2008 Utah Utes, who convincingly dismantled the BCS darling Alabama Crimson Tide (who won the national title just one year later), not only were unfairly kept out of the BCS Championship game, but never really had a legitimate shot, all things being equal, of getting there in the first place.
Maybe a rich and powerful sports fanatic, like Mark Cuban, will one day dislodge the powers that be in college football and create a playoff system that includes all schools equally and fairly, but even so, I have far less faith that the same will ever be done to supplant the American Two-Party Political system. But one can hope.
Our once-great nation has been in slow denouement ever since the Cold War ended. We need a swift kick in the ass in many areas, including our banking and small business lending practices, social security and Medicare reform and redefining the role of our military; and some radical changes in many others, such as education, health care, tort reform and gay rights, to name a few. These changes cannot and will not ever be diagrammed and effected unless the party lines are removed and our political machine joins together to work for the common good. The current parties and their respective casts of heavyweights spend countless dollars and hours squabbling with one another, mudslinging and looking for the optimal opportunity to pin the latest scandal on their opponents in order to wrestle or maintain majority control of their respective branch of government, be it at the Federal, State or even Local level. Red Tape grows thicker and longer, and momentum in either direction becomes harder and harder to slow, let alone reverse.
A place to start would be a universal elimination of parties in American Politics. Then significant campaign reform, including the outlaw of negative campaign ads. Platforms and issues should define our candidates and their campaigns. Nothing else.
The sizes of cups and containers available to consumers for soda, French fries and popcorn at fast food restaurants, convenience stores and especially movie theaters need to be regulated. The government has already begun to regulate the levels of saturated fat and healthy food options restaurants are required to utilize and offer its customers. The next step is a logical one. As the most obscenely obese nation in the world, there is no way a child should be able to walk into a movie theater to see Toy Story and buy a soft drink that is larger than a fire hydrant (and that is the small!) Also, children should be limited to one drink – forget free refills unless used for juice or water. This second part may be difficult to enforce, but our children live in a country where it is “normal” to glut oneself in one sitting with enough high fructose corn syrup and carcinogenic diet drinks to fill a bath tub. We are all going to have to pay for the ramifications of this ridiculous and unhealthy phenomenon. Make it stop.
The way airplanes are boarded needs an overhaul. I understand first class pays extra, so they can board first if they want, but all planes must be designed so that the door is behind first class seating, so that any first class passengers boarding a plane early do not interfere with a new policy: STRICT Rear-first boarding. Passengers should be called by rows, beginning with the back three, then moving forward – there should never be people shimmying into their 5th row seats while 300 people wait for them to place all of the crap in the overhead compartments, and then tend to their four infant children who have taken to a game of tag while their overwhelmed parents are distracted by all the awful game of Tetris that is cramming a too-wide bag into a narrow slot above.
I have no problem with handicapped people and those with small children sitting up front, but they should wait to sit. I am pretty sure the handicapped and small children do not need any more time than they will already have being cooped up in an airplane coach class seat. The less time on a plane, the better for them, and all of us really. And Southwest Air needs to change things too – Socialist airline rules aren’t the worst thing I ever heard of, but let the heavy lifting happen organically online prior to printing everyone’s boarding pass. The winner of seat A1 gets 1st pick of seat, and so on, on the seating chart prior to printing out the boarding pass. If you fail to choose your seat ahead of time, you will be seated last, after all those who did choose online are seated. Then we wouldn’t run into the awful situation of every friggin’ aisle seat taken through the middle of the plane, then back filling the window seats through mid-plane, then aisle and window seats in the rear of the plane and finally the middle seats, starting in the front of the plane. As incredibly inefficient as the boarding process is in general, it is even worse on Southwest. Overall, airline boarding creates ridiculous amounts of wasted time, undue stress for everyone, including airline employees and generally makes humans look foolish. Aren’t foresight and the ability to think and plan supposedly a few of the differentiating traits of mankind? Every time I find myself involved in the boarding process of a commercial plane, I cannot believe the general disorganization, chaos and stress-filled bullshit that goes on. I guarantee that a more-efficient boarding system outlined above combined with a first class door redesign will add hours of time back onto the lives of even infrequent travelers, and a great deal more to frequent flyers and airline employees.
DVR recordings that miss or cut-off the end or beginning of shows. I know, I know. The ad lobby controls the rules because they are the ones that drive programming budgets. But fuck the ad lobby. If people are DVRing their favorite shows and sporting events, they are doing so because of one or more of four primary reasons:
1) They are busy or otherwise engaged and do not have time/are not able to watch television during the timeslot they are recording;
2) The program is on at some ungodly hour and sleep is more important;
3) There is another program or sporting event on simultaneously that they would prefer to watch; and/or,
4) They are home, really want to watch the show ASAP, but do not want to be burdened by the stupid, repetitive and often insulting commercials that take up 1/3 of every television hour, so they take a shower, do a chore or two around the house, go to the gym, check their emails, grab a bite to eat, have some sex or do anything other than watch the show they are recording in order to generate enough lead time to fast forward through the commercials as they watch the show.
Any way you look at it, if someone is recording a show, they do not want to be burdened by the ads, unless maybe they recorded the Super Bowl. So ad companies need to adapt. They already cover every inch of every stadium and arena, including the name of said arena, with ad space – so sports are covered. And product placement has become so commonplace that it is difficult to watch anything without seeing ten easily identifiable products in each scene.
I know we all can adjust our recordings to capture an extra minute or two before and after a time slot. But why should WE have to do that? It should be an auto-feature on every cable company DVR. Make it happen.
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Last night’s devastating comeback in the Triple A by Dirk’s Mavs, in which the Heat snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, brings some other notable comebacks (or collapses/choke-jobs) in recent sports history to mind. Sure, last night’s final 6 minutes of one-sided ball, on Miami’s home floor, in the friggin’ NBA Finals, showcased a monumental failure by one side and a glorious, defying-the-odds flurry of previously unseen offensive prowess by the other. And so, the series-tying effort by Cuban’s true passion is the impetus for wracking my brain this morning, and coming up with a list of sorts…
This is not THE list, ranking all comebacks in the history of sports, nor even the top ten of all time. No, this list involves only games or tournaments or matches in which I witnessed the comeback in its entirety, live, whether on television or at the event itself. Emphasis will be given to those events that had greater meaning, such as a playoff or championship or major event versus a regular season game.
So here you go, a trip down my own personal memory lane of incredible (or incredibly depressing, I suppose, depending on perspective) sports finishes:
Football – Eagles vs. Giants, December, 2010. The Stakes: a playoff berth on the line, though not 100% win-and-you’re- in…there were a couple games left after this one for both teams.
I was watching this game in a sports bar. A Philly sports bar. Down 24-3 at the half, and 31-10 well into the 4th quarter and the Giants weren’t just winning…they were manhandling a bewildered and seemingly over-matched Eagles team. People left the bar in disgust as the fourth quarter began. A friend of mine, a big Eagle fan, said goodbye and told my father and I he had better things to do. The game was over.
But a long touchdown pass to Brent Celek and a recovered onside kick at around the 6 minute mark changed the momentum of the game. Mike Vick finally started to make some plays with his legs, which opened up the passing game as well, and the Eagles very dangerous offense, which had not yet reared its head, began to take flight. A Vick walk-in, a defensive stop and a long drive which culminated in a pretty 5-yard Vick to Maclin TD finished the comeback, and tied the score at 31.
Still, the Gints had the ball with 1:15 left in the game. Unable to get a first down against a now rejuvenated Eagles D, New York was forced to punt with 12 seconds left on the clock. Awaiting the punt…DeSean Jackson. Under strict instructions to keep the ball away from the Eagles’ game-breaker, punter Matt Dodge kicked a line drive directly to Jackson. A few jukes and a blur later, the Birds pulled off another Miracle at the Meadowlands, would go on to make the playoffs and the Giants would narrowly miss the post-season. Awesome movie-script ending for us Philly fans…pure misery, disbelief and heartbreak for the New Yawk set.
Golf – Jean Van de Velde – 1999 British Open at Carnoustie – The Stakes: a major championship, and the first open championship for a Frenchman since 1907 … One of the most amazing train wrecks I can remember watching, it literally was painful to witness this Frenchman butcher a hole he had birdied twice in the previous 3 rounds. Taking the tee at 18 on the final day, Van de Velde held a 3 stroke lead, misfired his drive and forced the viewers to endure awful shot after awful shot en route to a triple bogey, a plummet into an improbably 3-way tie for the lead, and a loss to Paul Lawrie in the play-off.
Football – Monday Night October 16, 2006 – The Stakes: a big, early season upset to potentially turn the season around for a struggling Cardinals team, a perfect season for the Bears, and a Coach’s legacy and reputation. What I will forever remember as the Dennis Green game pitted a lowly and uninspired 1-4 Arizona Cardinals team against an undefeated and prohibitive favorite in the Chicago Bears, who were a defensive minded team with a scintillating special teams unit, led by the seemingly unstoppable Devin Hester. The Cards played smart football, held the non-existent Bears offense to a lone field goal and kept the ball away from Chicago’s only scoring threats, the Defense and Devin Hester, to take a shocking 23-3 lead into the 4th quarter. And then it happened. Momentum shifted as the Bears D finally wore down the Cards’ weary offensive line, which had been playing out of their minds. One mistake led to another, compounding on each other to lead to 21 unanswered Bears points, which featured two defensive fumble recoveries and a beautiful 82-yard punt return by “Kick It Out of Bounds” incarnate. As amazing as the comeback/collapse was, the best part of this game was the post-game presser by Cardinal’s Head Coach Dennis Green, whose now infamous “The Bears are who we thought they were! That’s why we took the damn field! Now, if you want to crown them, then crown their ass! But they are who we thought they were, and we let them off the hook!” Hours and days of laughter following what truly was an amazing football comeback.
NCAA Basketball – Duke- Maryland, 2001 – The Stakes: Bragging rights in the ACC, a trip to the National Title game. In the National Semifinals, Duke erased a 22 point first half deficit against conference rival Terps to win going away, 95-84 in the Metrodome. This was a monumental comeback/collapse by any standards, particularly in a game with so much at stake. But it wasn’t even the most amazing Duke comeback against Maryland that season. Just a few months earlier, in hostile College Park no less, Duke overcame a 10 point deficit with less than a minute remaining in the game, sent the game to overtime and prevailed 98-96. I am sure the confidence the Blue Devils gained in completing the comeback on the Terps’ home floor allowed them to regroup and rally in the Final Four game a few months later. I was reminded of Duke’s sudden offensive barrage and Maryland’s futility that narrowed and erased the gap in the final 54 seconds in January 2001 when watching Dallas defeat Miami last night. In those moments, it is like momentum actually increases the size of the trailing team’s basket ten-fold while shrinking the leading team’s basket to a size smaller than the ball.
Football – 1993 Wildcard Playoff Game. The Stakes: Advancing in the AFC playoffs. The second Frank Reich Game. Yep. Frank Reich led two historic comebacks in his day, one in college as the Maryland Terps upended the heavily favored Miami Hurricanes after falling behind big in the second half, and this one: Things couldn’t have been bleaker. The Oilers led 35-3 early in the second half. Bills QB Jim Kelly was injured. Linebacker Cornelius Bennett was injured. Thurman Thomas played sparingly. The only thing that could have made things more depressing would have been a plague of locusts descending from the sky. The blowout was that biblical. Then Reich drove the team for one touchdown. 35-10. Steve Christie recovered his own on-side kick and Reich hit Don Beebe for a TD. 35-17. The Bills D forced the Oilers to punt. Reich hit another TD pass, this one to Andre Reed. 35-24. And it was still the third quarter. No. Freaking. Way. Henry Jones picked off Warren Moon, setting up Reich at the Houston 23 yard line. Another TD pass to Reed. 35-31. The Oilers missed a FG and the Bills got another TD (again from Reich to Reed). The Bills were ahead for the first time. 38-35. The Oilers tied the game to send it to OT and won the coin toss. It looked like they might avert disaster, but Moon threw an errant pass setting up the Bills in FG range and Christie completed the most ridiculous, unlikely, unbelievable comeback in NFL history.
Basketball – Indiana Pacers vs. the New York Knicks, Game 1, 1995 Eastern Conference Semifinals. The Stakes: Advancing deep into the playoffs, potentially winning an NBA title, and for Miller and Ewing, possibly solidifying their position as one of the all time greats. Knicks fans hate Reggie Miller with the heat of a 1,000 suns. They hate him so much that ESPN made it the subject of one of their 30 for 30 documentaries. The bad blood wouldn’t be enough to warrant mention on this list, but Miller’s performance in Game 1 of the E.C. Semifinals does. Single-handedly, Miller led his team to a stunning 107-105 last second victory over the Knicks in the Garden. With 18.7 seconds left, the Knicks lead by six points. Miller kicked into action, hit a three point shot, stole the ensuing inbounds pass, dribbled back behind the three point line, and hit that three-pointer. Miller then hit both free-throws to put the Pacers ahead for the win and up 1-0 in the series.
Golf – 1996 Masters – The Stakes: Winning the Augusta Major and its Green Jacket is perhaps the most coveted golf achievement among anyone who has ever swung a club. For Greg Norman, who seemingly had a master’s in how to lose the Masters — from ahead to Tom Watson in ‘81, from behind to Jack Nicklaus in ‘86, from nowhere to Larry Mize in ‘87, from everywhere to Ben Crenshaw in ‘95 — this was a chance at redemption. There was even an idea by some media members, after Greg’s seemingly insurmountable 54-hole lead, to hold an 18-hole parade in his honor to “make up for all the broken hearts and second-place crystal he had lugged home over the years.” It would be his payback for having had to wait longer than any champion for his green jacket (16 years).
Greg Norman let a 6 stroke final round lead slip away to the hard charging South African, Nick Faldo. “If he blows this,” ESPN’s Dan Patrick said on Sunday, “it will be the biggest collapse in modern golf history.” But from the beginning on Sunday something in Norman’s swing made you squirm. He hooked his drive at 1 into the trees and made a bogey. There was a nasty par save on 3, a bogey on 4 and a god-awful pull on 8.
Faldo, meanwhile, was as steady as rent, making two-putt par after two-putt par. (He three-putted once all week.) He drilled a four-footer on the 6th for a birdie and a 20-footer on 8 to cut the lead to three. Then came the most catastrophic four golf holes in Norman’s life.
It was difficult to watch as Norman slowly and painfully unraveled in the middle of golf’s sanctuary. The Shark’s meltdown in one of the most beautiful places on earth, and certainly the most hallowed in the golfing world showcased the fragility of the human mind for all the world to see. His body language was the very portrait of a man struggling with some unknown inner demons. He slumped as he walked the final few holes, and his descent from landslide victory to agonizing defeat provided one of the most horrifying sports images ever captured on television.
Hockey – 2010 Eastern Conference Semifinals. The Stakes: A trip to the Conference Finals and perhaps a shot at Lord Stanley’s Cup; and for both teams, a shot at a first title in more than 3 decades. Though the Flyers and the B’s no longer play in the same division, the bad blood between the two goes back generations, at least to the Broad Street Bullies era. But the hard-luck losses the Flyers handed the Bruins throughout the 1970s couldn’t hurt Boston fans like this series probably did. This will haunt them for the rest of their lives and possibly well into the afterlife. It took a miracle OT win in Game 4 to get the Flyers comeback rolling. Then the Flyers lost netminder Brian Boucher in the Game 5 victory and back-up Michael Leighton stepped up in the Game 6 nail-biter. In a fit of melodrama, the Flyers came back from a score of 3-0 in Game 7, getting the game winner from Simon Gagne, who had come back early from injury (and also scored the OT winner in Game 4.) It is the stuff movies are made of. Bad movies. Unbelievable movies. The kind of movies that are so bad they go straight to video. Philly fans should never whine or complain about their hard luck ever again. And I’m a Philly fan.
And I watched the amazing game 7 comeback win to seal the stunning meltdown by the Bruins in a pub at 4am in Paris France. The crowd there began the night scoffing at me between sips of wine and beer, preferring to watch soccer, if anything at all as I requested that management turn the hockey game on, even if just on one of their many flat screen televisions. But as the game wore on, and the Flyers mounted their incredible comeback in this game 7, let alone in the series, the tenor of the crown eerily reminded me of the extras in a cheesy 1980s/1990s Sports movie (like Rocky 4, Happy Gilmore or The Longest Yard remake) where everyone once rooting for one side suddenly shifts, mid-game, match or bout and roots for the longshot/misfit/foreigner.
Baseball – 2004 American League Championship.
The Stakes: Flying pigs, hell freezing over, the continuation of an 80+ year old curse, and of course, a trip to the World Series
Speaking of the Boston sports fans, they also have a big victory on this list, and frankly, knowing Boston fans and the American sports fan in general, they care a hell of lot more about this one than they do the loss to the Fly Boys. I am sure, since 2004, everybody is beyond their saturation point with the Sox stuff, Sweet Caroline, the Cask & Flagon, the Green Monster, Dan Shaunessy and the Dennis Leary truck ads. But these were New York Yankees we were talking about, a team that had tormented Boston fans for generations and generations, the team that always won in the end, no matter how heroic or beloved the Boston players. The inevitability of the Yankees victory was certain. The history of the match-up, and the fact that the 2004 Sox actually won the World Series, may just rank this comeback among the all-time greats – and for me, as a hater of all sports teams New York – it was a gem.
Don’t think I haven’t forgotten these, which I also saw:
The San Diego Padres collapse in 2010, overtaken by the San Francisco Giants on the final day of the season despite having had the best record in the entire National League at the end of August.
The Jets-Jets-Jets stormed back to stun the Dolphins in 2000, erasing a 23 point second half deficit to win in OT.
And one of my personal favorites, in 2007 as the New York Mets faded and the Phillies rose to win the NL East, avenging their futility in 1964 to make the Mets the biggest chokers in the sport’s history.
The Phillies rallied from seven games down on Sept. 12, matching the biggest September comeback in major league history. Philadelphia and the Mets went into the last day tied for the division lead.
No major league team failed to finish first after having at least a seven-game lead with 17 to play. The Phillies joined the 1934 Cardinals and 1938 Cubs as the only teams to overcome a seven-game deficit in the final month.
I know, I know. What happened to me? A few days ago I wrote an open letter to Tampax’s biggest shill, and now this….
So, gun to your head, which would you rather wear…and why?
Seinfeld’s infamous Puffy Shirt:
OR…
Denise Huxtable’s take on a Gordon Gartrell, custom tailored for Theo:
And no, it is not lost on me that Theo and Jerry had virtually the exact same hair style during these episodes, which aired nearly a decade apart.
Filed under Uncategorized
Which Bills are the worst bills?
Happy Memorial Day everyone. Don’t drink and drive.
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In reaction to Oprah’s recent two-part interview and reconcilliation with James Frey, I was inspired to write the Wizard of O the following…and yes, I will take off my skirt…
Dear Oprah,
In the spirit of honesty and truth that I feel is necessary in the wake of your recent double episode with James Frey, I feel it imperative to admit to you that I may have watched part of an episode of your show over the past 25 years, maximum. Frankly, I viewed you as kind of a much-heralded icon and voice for women and children and minorities and the less fortunate in our world, but also as being over-the top, preachy, off-putting and a little frightening to anyone with a Y chromosome.
In some misguided way, I felt you abused your growing power as a leader of women in a manner that may be threatening to men, and that the views you instilled in women would make it impossible for a man to ever live up to the increasingly ridiculous standards all womankind would have for the men in their lives. I irrationally viewed you as little more than the leader of the world’s most popular cult, whose overall desire for global dominance and the softening and feminization of our populace would potentially destroy the very fabric of society.
But my wife of six months, god bless her soul, felt it necessary to DVR your final 20 or so shows, and coaxed me into watching a few of them with her. I truly enjoyed the messages and love that each episode seemed to focus upon, and started to gain an appreciation for you and the work you have done over the past quarter of a century. I mean, I always knew who you were and all of the great philanthropic work you have done in America and abroad. But I am not sure I ever really saw how your work touched people, and how people reacted to being touched by your seemingly god-like heart and soul.
I watched a few celebrity-centric final shows, as well as a few that focused on “ordinary people.” I watched the gregarious two-part United Center fanfare as well as your final show “lecture.” All painted a vivid picture of the work you have done over the past 25 years as well as the incredible love and gratitude you have evoked in so many across the globe.
But oddly enough, the very last shows I watched were the double episode featuring James Frey. My wife wanted to watch them with me a week or so ago, and I refused. I wanted no part, and dismissed the episodes saying “I wasn’t interested,” and “what could he possibly say now that could be worth investing not just one, but two hours of my precious time.”
Home alone yesterday, I found myself thumbing through the DVR, and not finding anything of interest at that specific point in time (or guided by a force outside my control or understanding), I reluctantly settled on the first part of the James Frey episode from May 16, 2011, thinking to myself, “Ok, I will give it a couple minutes…if I still feel underwhelmed, I will turn on SportsCenter.”
After about 70 seconds, I was engrossed, mesmerized, in fact. I watched the entire first part glued to the television screen, but still wanted more. So I watched the second part too. And I am pretty sure that interview may have changed my life in ways still unknown.
So many thoughts have been running through my head since the two minute mark of that interview – it has been about 20 hours now, and the constant thoughts have not subsided. In fact, that is why I am writing this email – because I have so much to say and feel it necessary to get it out.
That interview and the messages I gleaned from it touched me in some profound manner, not unlike some of the many people I have seen these past few weeks that watched or were part of your shows and efforts over the past 25 years. Something I honestly thought I would never admit in my lifetime was happening to me: I had been Oprahed (my life and paradigm has shifted because of you).
I find myself drawn to the common catchphrase uttered by Dr. Greg House on the eponymous hit television series…“Everybody lies.” The reason that quote and theme is so powerful, ironically, is because of how true it is.
Fact: James Frey wrote a great book, A Million Little Pieces. In fact, many people consider it to be one of the fifty or 100 “must read” books ever.
Fact: James Frey lied about said book and its classification as a memoir.
Fact: James Frey and Oprah Winfrey are irrevocably connected regarding A Million Little Pieces.
After watching your double episode interview with James Frey yesterday, I now realize why I was reluctant to watch it at first.
I was sure that interview would yield the same unsatisfying results every other interview or press conference I have seen in my life under similar circumstances had produced.
We live in a culture where everybody lies.
We also live in a culture that deifies celebrities, from actors to rock stars to athletes to politicians. We shine the spotlight on them each day, long after their movie or concert or game has ended, and keep it trained in their direction as we observe and fawn over their every move. They are famous. We are not. And we are fascinated with the lives of the famous.
And what “ordinary” people love more than anything is the discovery that celebrities are human. That’s right. With cameras and recorders focused on celebs at all hours of every day, we learn that the rich, famous and powerful lie, cheat, abuse substances, abuse their spouses, treat their employees poorly, drive drunk, defy the police, get divorced, lose their homes, make poor investment choices, lose their singing or acting or athletic chops with age, get injured, get sick, have children with diseases or disabilities, lose family members, commit crimes and use profanity – just like we do. And we eat it up.
Fact: Oprah Winfrey, with her power to influence the minds and habits of millions, made James Frey a celebrity.
Whether you like it or not, choosing A Million Little Pieces as an Oprah Winfrey Book Club selection in 2005 piqued the world’s curiosity about a man who wrote an incredible book, and in particular, the man upon whom we all thought said book focused. We wanted to know more about him…even more than the seemingly brutally honest and detailed accounts of his very personal demons and struggles bore out through the pages of his memoir.
And so the machine that is the American media got to work to bring this once unknown author’s “true” story to newspapers, magazines, and television and internet outlets all across the globe. This is what the media does to all celebrities. This is what society demands. The media must feed our addiction to everything celebrity. James Frey was a celebrity.
Just as the ordinary get hooked on celebrities, the famous too become addicted to their own celebrity. That’s right; most stars love the spotlight, and crave it again once they taste it for the first time. To the famous, fame is a drug, and as addicting as heroin. Many athletes refuse to retire until they are merely shells of their former selves on the playing field – or until an injury forces them from the game. Rock stars and musicians cling to the stage at ages where they no longer can carry the instruments they once played, nor carry a tune nor hit those high notes they once belted out so effortlessly. And actors who once were nominated for awards every time they made a movie or show get reduced to bit parts and caricature roles that barely remind the viewers of the once brilliant talent the actor possessed in his or her heyday.
In some cases, the desire to hold on to their glory forces celebrities to make life-changing choices. Some cheat – for example, athletes take performance enhancing drugs, or singers lip sync at concerts and performances. Some try to reinvent themselves, by moving from the big screen of movies to primetime television, or by moving into a television commentary job after retiring from a sport. Some go for the money grab of B movie parts and reality television simply to remain in the public eye. And many turn to mind-altering narcotics and/or alcohol to ease the pain of fading talent and/or to try to recapture the feeling of being on top and adored by millions.
James Frey wrote a book. He put his heart and soul into writing that book, and invested years of his life. He had a message he wanted disseminated to the world. He felt his message was important. He compromised his morality and ours to publish his book. James Frey made a choice.
James Frey lied, and garnered success under false pretenses. James Frey was, and still is, guilty of lying. James Frey paid a price for his dishonesty.
James Frey is not the first celebrity to lie or cheat in order to succeed or in order to maintain success or to cling to fame – nor will he be the last. But by god, in that two hour interview with you, James Frey was among the extreme minority who completely OWNED their mistake and genuinely regretted the pain they caused and admitted to the lessons learned from it.
He spoke eloquently and thoughtfully. He was as open and brutally honest as he was in the pages of AMLP. And he fully exposed his human side throughout the interview. I thought the interview was masterfully conducted, and that both sides proffered valuable insight, regret, remorse, humility and proof of closure and renaissance that are seldom seen in the wake of a scandal or controversy of this magnitude – or any magnitude at all, really.
My mind keeps drawing comparisons to Mark McGwire, Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds and baseball’s steroid scandal of the past decade. There are a number of similarities I saw between James Frey’s predicament and the steroid-laced swan songs of Rocket, Bonds and Big Mac’s careers. Maybe one of them will eventually own their responsibility and participation in baseball’s recent shame.
But what I do know is this: James Frey wrote a great book. He didn’t lie or cheat in writing that book. He lied and cheated in publishing it. Had he refused to compromise himself, we may never know that James Frey wrote a great book. Bonds and the litany of juicers who tainted baseball in the 1990s and early 2000s cheated in writing their book. Though it is universally accepted that Bonds and Clemens and a few others from that era were tremendous talents even before taking ‘roids, the records achieved, personal accolades garnered, ridiculous money earned and the trust of its fan base are forever tainted by the culture of cheating that permeated the sport of baseball.
The public will never truly know how good these players were or whether or not anything that happened on the field during their careers was honest athleticism or steroid enhanced bullshit as a result of the lying and cheating that defined that era of baseball. The public can and should know that James Frey wrote a great book. His message was real.
Richard Nixon lied and paid a steep price with his legacy for doing so. Bill Clinton lied and paid less of a price. Is that fair? Who’s to say. But the primary reason is that Clinton lied about something in his personal life, while Nixon lied about events surrounding his administration and his professional life. Does it matter, though? Both lied, and America voted them into the highest office in the world because we trusted them.
I thought it was very interesting and a valid point during your interview when Frey opined that most memoirs are published under false pretenses; that most authors of memoirs embellish and fabricate truths in order to tell a more interesting story. He wasn’t making excuses for his own actions, but rather allowing viewers to understand what I believe to be the most important fact at work in the entire James Frey scandal – James Frey is among the smallest percentage of memoir writers that ascended to celebrity status after writing his memoirs and without having any sort of fame prior to authoring his book.
Because his fame and celebrity stemmed directly from his memoir, and ballooned in such a short period of time, there was a frantic effort by the media and fact checking populace at large to get to know this previously unknown author. And all they really had to go on regarding James Frey was what was written in his book. With most other memoir authors, there was often an entire history and career of fame spanning many years. The media and paparazzi had already unearthed every truth and lie and scandal and boring minutiae regarding the author. Most of the big stories in said memoir were already in the public consciousness, or at least in the media’s.
Furthermore, as I stressed earlier, ordinary people and the media are fascinated with celebrities. Celebrities (and all famous people) are the most-often published memoir authors. And most celebrities use their memoirs as a last ditch effort to bask in and retain the spotlight, even after they are dead and gone. And they enjoy an advantage that Frey did not. People’s general fixation on celebrity makes famous people more interesting than common people in the American psyche…that is to say, if Joe Shmo and Brad Pitt had the exact same set of events occur in their lives, people would always to prefer to hear the version involving Brad Pitt.
So it would not be at all surprising to learn that Frey’s opinion/accusation is true. In fact, it would validate what we all know about the nature of the celebrity psyche and also what we know regarding how the media and general public perceive and subconsciously add layers of excitement and intrigue to an otherwise mundane story if a famous person is involved.
After all, everybody lies. Particularly when doing so protects somebody’s own real or perceived happiness, sense of security and status, be it celebrity or simply popularity in a community. People lie and embellish their resumes, cheat on their spouses and significant others, cheat on their taxes, lie about their age and weight, lie about their sexual history and hygiene, lie about their income, their medical history, whether or not they smoke, their insurance claims, their household employees, their income from tips, their grades in school, the reason the teacher called home, whether they had been drinking and/or speeding when pulled over by a cop….or even lie to make someone they love or care about feel better about themselves. It happens every day.
James Frey is an addict. Addicts are addicts for life, and it rarely limits its manifestation to one specific vice. An alcoholic may not do drugs, but if he or she did, he or she would eventually show addictive behavior with drugs as well. Same with gambling, sex, food and yes, even celebrity. It is not at all surprising, therefore, that once confronted with his lies, Frey maintained the charade and kept right on lying. He was addicted to his celebrity and to living in the limelight. He didn’t want it to end. It was better than any drink or drug he ever took.
To truly recover from his addiction, however, your interview and his full owning of what he did and his expression of regret, remorse and humility were vital. And you made it happen. And it was amazing theater. Truly beautiful to watch.
I thank you for allowing me to witness such an important, watershed moment in the handling and closure evoking resolution of a celebrity scandal.
Train wrecks that are celebrity scandals rock our world each and every day. How the celebs handle the moment, however, continues to be an opportunity wasted by each and every one of them. The overwhelming majority of celebs embroiled in a scandal refuse to own it. And the cover up is always worse than the crime. And few own that.
It may have taken a few years and a seat across from you, but James Frey owned everything. And it was one of the greatest moments I have ever witnessed. I am not yet sure how this moment will influence my life, but I know it stirred something in me I do not yet understand.
So thank you, and I wish you all the best as you open the next chapter in your own book.
It may have occurred late, but you have left your mark on me and I am proud to admit it.
Thank you,
TC
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Hey may be a
but that Kidd can ball.
Signed,
Still Bitter About the 1993 NCAA Tournament
Filed under Sports
Doing it all in last night’s 19 inning Phils marathon win, WV became the first player since Babe friggin’ Ruth to start a game as an infielder and leave the game as the winning pitcher. Any time you are the first player to accomplish something since the Babe, you should be proud. And there he is, above, moving his gear into the bullpen, presumably to replace….
F*#kin Blanton
…this fat schlub. who makes $8.5MM this year (2011) to compete against the putrid fifth starters of most teams in a watered-down MLB. Fat Joe currently has the exact same number of victories (1) as WV, a utility infielder who before this morning, had never pitched in his entire professional baseball career, including the minor leagues.
Oh Joe Blanton. I watched you hit a home run in the world series from pretty good seats on a drizzly night at CBP. So there is that. But really, other than that CBP-special and perhaps a few other outings in which you performed, well, let’s just say ”better than expected,” your tenure in Philly has primarily coaxed little else but foul language from my mouth every time you take the mound. So much so, in fact, that my wife is pretty sure your first name is “F*#kin’.”
Filed under Sports
idontrollonshabbas 
