Monthly Archives: June 2011

Too soon? I apologize if I offend any Maria sympathizers out there in my limited following, but I can’t help but immediately think of Ah-nold clad in leather and toting a gun whenever those three words come to mind.

Your fearless author will be off mooning his honey for a spell, but stay tuned.  Time away should refresh and revitalize, and my highly-anticipated return should serve to increase your enjoyment of my future posts – think of it like abstaining from sex for a little while (be it intentionally or, more likely, due to external forces outside of your control)…when you finally get back in the saddle, so to speak…well, you know where this is going.

Best,

IDROS

1) Every gas station should be required to install and maintain Purell (or at least generic) hand sanitizer stations at their self-service pumps.  It is disgusting enough that we have to get gasoline residue and grime all over our hands every time we fill up AND pay ridiculously high prices for gas on top of that.  But those pump handles and the keypad buttons (both credit card and gas grade selection buttons) on the dispenser are touched every day by god-knows-who and are the most repulsive, nauseating things the average person is required to touch on a regular basis.  (Brief aside:  Writing that sentence reminded me of the scene in Trading Places where Penelope bails Winthorpe out of Jail, and on the jailhouse steps the following exchange takes place – and picture Penelope’s whiney, superior, upper-crust voice:

P:  Louis, you’re making a scene.

L: The good news is I’m innocent. I’ve never done anything resembling this.

P: Louis, you look awful.  I’m so ashamed.  Those clothes and those shoes and…you’ve been fighting….and you smell.

L: I smell?

P: Penelope, do you realize where I’ve been since yesterday?

Well that classic line where Penelope ridicules Louis’ wardrobe, bruised face and putrid stench and the amazingly horrified face she makes as she unleashed those lines on him illustrates exactly how anyone should feel when touching a gas pump at the average filling station.

I know, we should all take responsibility for our own hygiene and carry hand sanitizer in our cars and in our purses/brief cases.  And I don’t disagree.  But gas stations are cash cows. In the 1950s and 1960s they were well run establishments that prided themselves on service – and somehow, over time, our expectations of what a gas stations should be and the levels of cleanliness and sanitation that we are willing to accept has taken a nosedive.  Most of us spend more money at gas stations in a week than anywhere else but the grocery store.  And they all gauge us at the pump. It is an outrage…and we just bend over and let it happen. The least they can do is offer an opportunity for us to regain our sense of humanity after suffering the awful and often humiliating and raunchy experience of filling our gas tanks. And don’t get me started on their lavatories, god forbid you ever have an emergency on the highway.

 

2) Disclaimer: I realize homelessness is a worldwide epidemic, and that if there is really something to be fixed here, it is that no human being should have to be without shelter and sleep in the freezing cold, pouring rain and sweltering heat that so many are forced to endure each and every day. In writing a blog intended to entertain, at least on some level, it is sometimes difficult to maintain a modicum of reality, instead opting for a more surreal and humorous approach to a situation. So I ask my reader(s), please understand that this answer should read “to eliminate homelessness in the world.” That said, and as long as homelessness continues to exist, please also take your humble author’s recommendation below with the proper side order of sodium:

Homeless people should offer a receipt with a distinct logo or signature when you give them money so that you don’t have to feel guilty the next time that same exact homeless man or woman approaches your car at an exit ramp or as you walk by them on the street and do not give them anything.  There are certain routes that all of us take regularly, be it our walk to and from work or the subway, or our drive to and from work, etc.  If there are homeless people that have staked out a location on this route, you are bound to see them a few times a week, if not every day.  This receipt plan (or a reasonable facsimile) would ensure that you get the credit you deserve when making a selfless gesture (important to note: this assumes you actually do give money occasionally), and also allows you to drive/walk by the less fortunate at other times armed with validation that you care, and guilt free that you are not feeding their drug and alcohol habit on this particular day.

3) I think if you are homosexual and live in a state that does not have equal laws for homosexuals, including marriage laws, you should not be required to pay state taxes in that state.   I understand this would necessitate increased state spending in ensuring certain constituents do not take advantage of this law, but who cares?  If something is unfair for certain people, it should become a burden to everyone…raising taxes statewide may just provide the kick in the ass a majority would need to vote for change.

4) The rule in the NBA that allows a team to call a timeout and then advance the ball to their offensive end of the court is ridiculous and needs to be eliminated.  Imagine if you could do this in any other sport.  Call a timeout in football and advance the ball across midfield?  How about in golf?  Call a timeout and take a free drop on the apron of the green?  In hockey, call a timeout and get an offensive zone faceoff?  And what about in baseball?  Not even sure how you could do this, but imagine if you had an 0-2 count as a batter, and then could call a timeout and reset the count to 0-0.  That would pretty much be equivalent to the absurdity that takes place down the stretch in an NBA game.  And the most ludicrous wrinkle about this “rule” is that the rule does not exist in any other basketball league in America, from little league, to junior high, to high school to the NCAAs.  Basketball players in all other competitive leagues are required to bring the ball the full length of the court, each and every time down the floor, even after a time out.  So why are NBA athletes exempt?  Obviously this rule was myopically instituted to make the endings of games more competitive and exciting for the fan.  But the end of NBA games, 9 out of 10 times, are anything but exciting.  They feature seemingly endless clock stoppages due to intentional fouls and a limitless cache of timeouts.  The final two minutes of a closely contested NBA game can take 20-30 minutes in actual elapsed time.  Even lopsided games, in large part due to this timeout ball advancement rule, can take much longer to end than they should.  Bottom line, if a team dominates a game for 46 minutes, there shouldn’t be a loophole rule akin to something you would find in a game of Monopoly (you know,” go directly to jail,” or “pass go and collect $200”) that allows the trailing team to have a better chance to get back into the game.  Especially considering that rule doesn’t exist in NCAA basketball, which offers some of the most exciting, down-to-the-wire games every year in its conference and NCAA tournaments.

 

5) Stable, sober, presumably loving married couples are often unable to reproduce (due to age, infertility, genetic issues, etc.) while abusive, substance-abuse-riddled and poverty-stricken, unwed couples and one-night flings from broken homes reproduce like insects.  There is even a farcical youth movement sweeping our nation, which is glamorized, as most ridiculous fads tend to be, on MTV.  I am sure there are scads of couples and single women in their late 30s and 40s cursing as commercials for 16 and Pregnant taunt them from their television screens.  I do not have all the answers, but it would be great for everyone in the world if this was corrected.  Unfortunately, of the five items discussed here, this may be the most difficult problem to repair.

 

 

This was too good not to repost:

Ben & Jerry’s Presents: Ron Swanson’s All of the Bacon & Eggs You Have

You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of bacon and eggs, but what I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.

(via panicbasket)

Happy Flag Day Everyone.  Here are some of the greatest flags (and images of flags), IMO, of course:

got some dust upon [his] shoes…”]

 

 

 

 

 

Hatikva – the beautiful Israeli flag, simple two-tone majesty, symbolizing strength against all odds.  The photos above seem to capture the tortured history of the people the flag represents, enduring and longing for peace.

Ah, the Stratego Flag, how thou distracted me from anything productive at times throughout my youth

At least the outdoor version of Capture the Flag allowed us to commune with nature while frittering away the hours

And then there are the Freak Flags, ushered in by the freewheeling, revolutionary hippies of the 1960s – Even Neil almost cut his once upon a time…

Not sure Betsy Ross had this in mind back in the day….but I’m also not sure she didn’t

The post-911 patriotism across the USA evoked Francis Scott Key’s mindset when he penned his opus – chilling to say the least

But for my money, there are few images more powerful than Old Glory being hoisted above all other flags to symbolize victory in the Olympic games, which is accompanied by our national anthem as the winning and losing athlete(s) stand at attention and marvel at the moment.  The above shot of the medal ceremony in Lake Placid, NY in 1980, after the USA Hockey team shocked the USSR (and the world), may be the single greatest awe-inspiring moment featuring the American flag to occur in my lifetime.

Every now and then I will offer a list of five policies, trends, inventions, phenomena or general ways of the world that require anything from a slight tweak to a major overhaul.  It will be my version of Peter Griffin’s “You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?” segment.  I will not rank them.  Some will be more serious than others.  For some I will offer my own recommendation for how to fix the problem, or at least how to begin the process.  For others, I will just shake my head and pray.  Feel free to comment, or add your own ideas to the discussion.

So here are my first five for fixing, in no particular order:

Driving in the left lane of a multi-lane road or highway needs to be policed.  For crying out loud, left-lane protocol needs to be required learning to gain a license to operate a vehicle in this country.  But more importantly, tickets need to be given to drivers that fail to adhere to it – and driver’s education courses should be required to be retaken if one receives a second citation for left-lane negligence.  The left lane of any road is for passing, and for making a left turn if necessary – period.  If there are three or more lanes, the policy still holds true, and any driver in the left-most lane that is not passing cars to their right (or gaining on them rapidly to imminently pass) must move over one lane to the right.  I know cops already need more money than they collect from speeding and other traffic violations, as is evidenced by the ridiculous parking ticket policies of most urban and even suburban communities, but imagine the increase of police revenues if this policy were to be enforced.   And it really needs to be.

The party system in American (and presumably global) politics needs to be eliminated.  I find it incredibly hypocritical when people criticize the BCS in college football but fail to recognize that it was basically created using the same philosophy that perpetuates Big Elephant and Donkey – our capitalist country (like the BCS) will continually screw the little guy, the average voter, the unaffiliated, and the voiceless in order to feed the big, well-oiled machine that pays its bills, and is willing to overlook corruption, cheating, graft, disparities, and the general undercurrent of “the rich get richer at the expense of the poor,” creating a situation where the only true winners are those well-heeled few with enough resources to influence, control and perpetuate the parties themselves.

I have no problem with capitalism, but I have a huge problem with a two-party system founded on archaic principles, backed by ridiculous extremists and so firmly entrenched in our political landscape that it is virtually impossible for a candidate who subscribes to intelligent policies and platforms inherent to both schools, or even ideas outside the scope of either school to gain the requisite backing and political foothold to win a meaningful American election.

In college football, the BCS system creates a scenario where teams that do not play for the “rich, powerful” BCS conferences that run the system similarly have the odds stacked firmly against them, and therefore, the 2008 Utah Utes, who convincingly dismantled the BCS darling Alabama Crimson Tide (who won the national title just one year later), not only were unfairly kept out of the BCS Championship game, but never really had a legitimate shot, all things being equal, of getting there in the first place.

Maybe a rich and powerful sports fanatic, like Mark Cuban, will one day dislodge the powers that be in college football and create a playoff system that includes all schools equally and fairly, but even so, I have far less faith that the same will ever be done to supplant the American Two-Party Political system.  But one can hope.

Our once-great nation has been in slow denouement ever since the Cold War ended.  We need a swift kick in the ass in many areas, including our banking and small business lending practices, social security and Medicare reform and redefining the role of our military; and some radical changes in many others, such as education, health care, tort reform and gay rights, to name a few.  These changes cannot and will not ever be diagrammed and effected unless the party lines are removed and our political machine joins together to work for the common good.  The current parties and their respective casts of heavyweights spend countless dollars and hours squabbling with one another, mudslinging and looking for the optimal opportunity to pin the latest scandal on their opponents in order to wrestle or maintain majority control of their respective branch of government, be it at the Federal, State or even Local level.  Red Tape grows thicker and longer, and momentum in either direction becomes harder and harder to slow, let alone reverse.

A place to start would be a universal elimination of parties in American Politics.  Then significant campaign reform, including the outlaw of negative campaign ads.  Platforms and issues should define our candidates and their campaigns.  Nothing else.

The sizes of cups and containers available to consumers for soda, French fries and popcorn at fast food restaurants, convenience stores and especially movie theaters need to be regulated.  The government has already begun to regulate the levels of saturated fat and healthy food options restaurants are required to utilize and offer its customers.  The next step is a logical one.  As the most obscenely obese nation in the world, there is no way a child should be able to walk into a movie theater to see Toy Story and buy a soft drink that is larger than a fire hydrant (and that is the small!)  Also, children should be limited to one drink – forget free refills unless used for juice or water.  This second part may be difficult to enforce, but our children live in a country where it is “normal” to glut oneself in one sitting with enough high fructose corn syrup and carcinogenic diet drinks to fill a bath tub.  We are all going to have to pay for the ramifications of this ridiculous and unhealthy phenomenon.  Make it stop.

The way airplanes are boarded needs an overhaul.  I understand first class pays extra, so they can board first if they want, but all planes must be designed so that the door is behind first class seating, so that any first class passengers boarding a plane early do not interfere with a new policy:  STRICT Rear-first boarding.  Passengers should be called by rows, beginning with the back three, then moving forward – there should never be people shimmying into their 5^th row seats while 300 people wait for them to place all of the crap in the overhead compartments, and then tend to their four infant children who have taken to a game of tag while their overwhelmed parents are distracted by all the awful game of Tetris that is cramming a too-wide bag into a narrow slot above.

I have no problem with handicapped people and those with small children sitting up front, but they should wait to sit.  I am pretty sure the handicapped and small children do not need any more time than they will already have being cooped up in an airplane coach class seat.  The less time on a plane, the better for them, and all of us really.  And Southwest Air needs to change things too – Socialist airline rules aren’t the worst thing I ever heard of, but let the heavy lifting happen organically online prior to printing everyone’s boarding pass.  The winner of seat A1 gets 1^st pick of seat, and so on, on the seating chart prior to printing out the boarding pass.  If you fail to choose your seat ahead of time, you will be seated last, after all those who did choose online are seated.  Then we wouldn’t run into the awful situation of every friggin’ aisle seat taken through the middle of the plane, then back filling the window seats through mid-plane, then aisle and window seats in the rear of the plane and finally the middle seats, starting in the front of the plane.  As incredibly inefficient as the boarding process is in general, it is even worse on Southwest.  Overall, airline boarding creates ridiculous amounts of wasted time, undue stress for everyone, including airline employees and generally makes humans look foolish.  Aren’t foresight and the ability to think and plan supposedly a few of the differentiating traits of mankind?  Every time I find myself involved in the boarding process of a commercial plane, I cannot believe the general disorganization, chaos and stress-filled bullshit that goes on.  I guarantee that a more-efficient boarding system outlined above combined with a first class door redesign will add hours of time back onto the lives of even infrequent travelers, and a great deal more to frequent flyers and airline employees.

DVR recordings that miss or cut-off the end or beginning of shows.  I know, I know.  The ad lobby controls the rules because they are the ones that drive programming budgets.  But fuck the ad lobby.  If people are DVRing their favorite shows and sporting events, they are doing so because of one or more of four primary reasons:

1)      They are busy or otherwise engaged and do not have time/are not able to watch television during the timeslot they are recording;

2)      The program is on at some ungodly hour and sleep is more important;

3)      There is another program or sporting event on simultaneously that they would prefer to watch; and/or,

4)      They are home, really want to watch the show ASAP, but do not want to be burdened by the stupid, repetitive and often insulting commercials that take up 1/3 of every television hour, so they take a shower, do a chore or two around the house, go to the gym, check their emails, grab a bite to eat, have some sex or do anything other than watch the show they are recording in order to generate enough lead time to fast forward through the commercials as they watch the show.

Any way you look at it, if someone is recording a show, they do not want to be burdened by the ads, unless maybe they recorded the Super Bowl.  So ad companies need to adapt.  They already cover every inch of every stadium and arena, including the name of said arena, with ad space – so sports are covered.  And product placement has become so commonplace that it is difficult to watch anything without seeing ten easily identifiable products in each scene.

I know we all can adjust our recordings to capture an extra minute or two before and after a time slot.  But why should WE have to do that?  It should be an auto-feature on every cable company DVR.  Make it happen.