Somewhere, in a parallel universe – Bizarro World, if you will – our octogenarian president gives our nation a new year’s address, updating Americans on everything that has befallen one of our most important allies since early October.
Good evening my fellow Americans. This is Bo Jiden. I would like to take some time to apprise you all of what is happening half a world away, vis a vis one of our nation’s most fierce and loyal friends, allies, trade partners; a nation that, like us, champions democratic and liberal values and is always quick to lend a helping hand to anyone, anywhere, that needs it.
What happened on October 7 was a massacre of such brutality and savagery, it is difficult to properly put into words. And since that time, even more gruesome details and accounts of the horrors of that day have been revealed and confirmed. I would like to reiterate our steadfast and unqualified allegiance and support of Israel, the Israeli people and to Jewish people everywhere, especially our Jewish American family. We will never allow evil like that which invaded and declared war on Israel and the Jewish people on October 7, such unspeakable terror and barbarism, to go unpunished or even find quarter or support or be enabled in any way, shape or form, anywhere in the civilized world, and especially anywhere in this great nation.
Allow me to clear up a few misconceptions and lies that have been spreading around the world. Israel is not a white colonial power. Israelis are not white, but rather make up the spectrum of skin tones that exist in our world. A vast majority of Israelis are dark-skinned Mizrahi Jews, African Jews and Muslim Arabs. And Israel has never colonized anyone or any territory. Rather, Jews are indigenous to the area, dating back thousands of years, and have themselves been colonized multiple times by nations and empires including Muslims. Furthermore, Israel is not committing, nor has it ever committed genocide. While Hamas committed genocide on October 7, Israel has never started any war, only uses aggression in retaliation to attacks and is perhaps the most careful and judicial combatant in the history of warfare. No other nation or armed forces go to the lengths Israel does to warn civilians before an attack and to use restraint and discretion in attacking civilian centers at all. That said, they are up against a terrorist organization that uses civilians as human shields, and consistently commits war crimes of hiding and storing arms and munitions among civilians, in schools and hospitals and of building underground bunkers beneath these structures. Hamas has been on record a number of times admitting that the extensive network of tunnels and bunkers it built were not to protect citizens but rather to protect its arms and Hamas itself. Protecting civilians is the UN’s problem.
Before I begin, please allow me to quickly invoke my predecessor and take care of some long overdue business in my own administration. So, to Karine Jean-Pierre…you are fired. Thank you for your service, but this administration will not stand for anything close to unqualified condemnation of antisemitism…full stop. Too many times, you chose to counterbalance the hate rhetoric and hate crimes Jews have experienced before having a second to mourn the tragedy of October 7 with whataboutisms and ‘but also’ language…sometimes even failing to address antisemitism at all with very poor word choices and by sweeping very serious and ominous antisemitic trends and tropes under the rug.
And let me be clear here…there are too many members of our American government who lend their voices to antisemitic efforts, post antisemitic nonsense, support and echo anti-Jewish conspiracy theories and antisemitic tropes, and in the case of a certain small but vocal group in my own party, consistently spew Jewish hate and spread violent anti-Jewish and anti-Israel rhetoric, propaganda and garbage. I am appalled by this behavior, and embarrassed to be associated with people with such hate and ignorance in their hearts. These people, though elected by Americans in fair, American elections according to a democratic process, do not represent America nor our great nation’s views, opinions and love for Israel and the Jewish people.
I am calling this out. Rooting out hate and ignorance begins at the top, and today, I stand before you, the American people and assure you that our government will not allow anti-Jewish hate to exist in any form in or around the sacred halls and grounds that represent our great nation, from any sitting member of the three branches of our government, nor from any of the staff hired to support them. America will never resemble anything close to Europe in the 1930s…not under my watch and I am here to assure our Jewish citizens as well as those who give their full support and embrace to our American Jewish brothers and sisters that America is a place Jews can feel safe to live openly as Jews, to wear yarmulkes and stars of David, to have mezuzahs on their doorways, and most importantly, to safely pray at their temples and send their children to Jewish schools.
Allow me to make myself painfully clear – what I witnessed in the immediate aftermath of October 7, right here in America, was an embarrassment to western civilization and to humanity. Israel didn’t have time to identify its murdered citizens…its women and children, babies and senior citizens…Its attendees of a music festival centered around peace for crying out loud; and there were people rallying behind these savages who committed such atrocities they put all horror movies to shame. taking over our streets, blocking public forums and roads and buildings, tearing down posters of missing hostages, babies, children, mothers and grandmothers. Inciting riots, bullying jews, destroying public and private property, threatening violence, chanting refrains that invoke genocide…and on and on. In support of what/ to further the cause of what…for whom?
Hamas is the most vile incarnation of evil I have seen in my lifetime. And they don’t care about the Palestinian people at all. They have made clear what they care about…dead Jews. They said they would repeat the bloodbath of October 7 over and over again until there were no Jews left in Israel…and no Jews left on the planet. Any American who supports them is not an American and is a racist and your privilege of living in the greatest nation in the world should be rescinded. Full stop. And it should be noted by everyone in the world if it wasn’t abundantly clear even before October 7…ANTI-ZIONISM IS ANTISEMITISM. There is no nuance. There is no whataboutism. There is no exception.
Secondly, what has infested our college campuses over the past ten or twenty years is extremely problematic, and I am going to put an end to it. Jewish students and professors and educators should never feel singled out and threatened on a university campus or at any event on or off campus and even loosely affiliated with an academic institution in this country. I know billions of dollars have flowed to our universities from the Arab League, and from Qatar in particular. I will work tirelessly to make sure those dollars are sent back to where they came from, to punish any institution who refuses by revoking their favorable tax status and even fining them and their endowments, and in some cases, by revoking their accreditation to educate our students. I will be forming a congress-led task force to address this issue and will use funds traditionally earmarked for the United Nations and UNRWA in particular, to fund this new endeavor.
Which brings me to my next challenge. The UN and UNRWA. These institutions no longer have support from America. They are mere shells of what they were created to do, and the nations who have gained influence in these institutions are the most shockingly hypocritical tyrannical and inhumane governments in the world. America will not support any institution that would have Iran, Russia, North Korea or China as part of a committee related to human rights, let alone chairing such a body. And UNRWA, somehow created to only help one people in an entire world of misfortune and poverty, has been grossly mismanaged and corrupted since its inception. The billions in American tax dollars that have funded these institutions in the past will be redirected to more important and necessary challenges, including rooting out hate right here in America, but also ensuring global poverty and food insecurity is actually addressed across the world.
Social media is another area in my administration’s crosshairs. Free speech is critical to keep the values that have made America what it is today, but what we see on every social media platform today is a giant dumpster fire of misinformation, bullying and hate and none of it has a place in a civilized society. I will be working with congress and the executive leadership of all of these platforms in order to rein in the vitriol and propagation of fake news. We also have a serious problem with foreign platforms like tik tok as well as hackers and bots built by domestic and foreign terrorists which further muddy the waters and make these platforms untenable in their current forms. We will work together to build better and safer platforms so that the internet doesn’t further devolve into the bowels of hell it is currently headed for.
No less important in this entire conflict and its wake is the plight of the Palestinian people. We as Americans realize there are millions of people in Gaza and in the West Bank who are now seemingly worse off than they were a few months ago. I assure you that is not the case, and your immediate and long-term future are vital to any resolution of the current conflict. I also want to make this crystal clear. Israel is not your enemy or problem. Corrupt leadership in the Arab league, the UN, UNRWA, and of course, among your own ranks as Hamas, Islamic Jihad, Fatah and the Palestinian Authority, have hijacked your cause, stolen and embezzled funds meant for you, the Palestinian people and for building vital infrastructure to better your lives. Once Israel has completed its war to remove Hamas, the international community will be tasked with rebuilding Gaza and putting the Palestinian territories on a path toward statehood. This must happen, and it must happen in a manner that does not threaten the security of Israel, who is and will ALWAYS be your neighbor. You as Palestinians and whatever leadership emerges out of this conflict must acknowledge that fact and recognize Israel before any meaningful progress can be made toward reconciliation and Palestinian statehood.
Finally, to our friends and allies, the Israeli people and government. We are unable to fully communicate how devastated we were on the morning of October 7 and every day since. You are our family, and what happened to you, the Israeli people and the Jewish diaspora was not only unacceptable, but a direct attack on us as Americans and the entire civilized world as well. We stand with you, shoulder to shoulder, and will continue to do so until the scourge that is Hamas is removed as a threat to Israeli, Palestinian and global security.
We also know Iran is the puppet master behind Hamas, Hezbollah, the Houthis and all other radical Islamic threats in the region, and we want to ensure you that we will deal with the Iranis as soon as you finish with Hamas. They will no longer be able to create such chaos in the region or the world, and we will cripple them with all our might.
Furthermore, we will not allow Hamas’ inhuman attack on October 7 in any way lead directly toward Palestinian statehood. We do not condone negotiations with Terrorists, and we certainly don’t recognize terrorist actions as appropriate bartering chips toward any national or real goals – for any people or groups. Setting such a dangerous precedent here would encourage terror organizations the world over to commit similar acts of barbarism in their quest for whatever it is their cause or supporters desire.
We will help guide the rebuilding efforts that will be required, and as I previously stated, we will put the Palestinian people on the path toward statehood, but we fully recognize that much work remains to be done along those lines. This includes rooting out the education of minors to hate Israel, the Jews and westerners…be it in homes, schools or on television programs aimed at Palestinian youth. It also includes ending the pay for slay programs and the idea of martyrdom in their society. We understand you cannot be expected to live in peace and harmony with neighboring people who are indoctrinated with such hate from a young age and rewarded for adopting such a lifestyle.
In conclusion, we love and support our Israeli allies as well as our Jewish American citizens. We apologize if at any time this love and support was not clear, but I assure you this administration is 100 percent dedicated to proving it going forward.
Thank you and good night. I wish you all a happy, healthy and meaningful 2024.
IDROS wishes the above comes true. I won’t hold my breath, but here’s hoping. Wishing you and your families and loved ones a happy, healthy and peaceful 2024.
idontrollonshabbas 